


Redemption Merry Go-Round

by astolat



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Chloe Rolls Her Eyes, Consent Consent Issues (Not A Typo), F/M, In Which Dan's Life Is Hard, Insert Lucifer Making Sex Joke Here, Justifiably, M/M, Wrong, in many ways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:55:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7138976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astolat/pseuds/astolat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan was deeply sorry for whatever he’d done in his life that had landed him in this mess, and also reasonably sure that despite all the shit he’d pulled in the last couple of years, he <em>still</em> didn’t deserve this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Redemption Merry Go-Round

Detective Douche showed up at Lux a few days after being let out of prison on a variety of technicalities having to do with Malcolm being most sincerely dead, and also Lucifer being judged an unreliable witness for some reason, possibly because he hadn’t bothered to show up for any of the court-appointed interview times.

Having barged in on him, Dan proceeded to go on in a peculiar stiff way for several minutes, not actually making any sort of request, before it finally dawned on Lucifer—“Are you trying to apologize?”

Dan paused. “Uh. Yeah, that’s usually what people mean when they say _I’m sorry_.”

“No, usually what they mean is, please don’t _make_ me sorry,” Lucifer said, on a firm foundation of experience. “Besides, why are you bothering? You already did your redemption bit, got me cleared, all that.”

Dan shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away, heaving a deep breath. “I turned myself in for the crime. That doesn’t mean I don’t owe you an apology. I nearly got you killed—”

“No, you _actually_ got me killed,” Lucifer put in. “Fortunately it didn’t prove to be a permanent condition.”

Dan eyed him with a frowning confused expression but soldiered on, stilted, “And then—and what you did—Trixie, and Chloe—”

“All right, look, just tell me what you want, all this lead-up is getting boring.”

“I don’t _want_ anything!” Dan said. “I’m trying to thank you, okay? You put your life on the line, you saved my wife and daughter—I’m just trying to—”

“ _Not_ be a douche?” Lucifer supplied.

Dan snorted. “Not that you’re making it easy or anything.”

Lucifer eyed him in irritation. Of all the times for Dan to stop being a douche. Lucifer was fairly certain based on recent encouragement that Chloe was _finally_ starting to come round to the idea of letting him make her deliriously erotically happy, but if Dan had really learned his lesson and meant to shape up and be a decent person, he’d obviously make himself considerably more appealing. And given Chloe was already attached to him for no previously discernible reason, if Dan _did_ provide any reason at all, she’d surely want him even more.

And here he was with his chin stubbornly firmed up, insisting on providing it. He even stuck out his hand to shake. “Look, not that we’re ever going to be friends, but.”

“I should think not.” Lucifer scowled. “Look, does this mean that you’re not interested in patching things up with Chloe any more? Stepping out of my way or something?”

Dan huffed a laugh and let his hand drop. “That would be no.” His mouth twisted. “Not that—well. It’s still a no. _She_ gets to call that one.”

He was obviously well aware of her bizarre fascination with him. Which really only left one solution. Lucifer sighed. “All right, fine,” he said ungraciously. “I suppose I’ll have to put up with you. Come on, then.” He put out his cigarette and stood up from the piano and beckoned.

Dan stared at him, blank, only a faint stirring going somewhere underneath, slow to catch on as usual. “Uh. What?”

“Well?” Lucifer said. “Don’t try to tell me you haven’t thought about it. Whatever bizarre condition Chloe’s got, _you’re_ not immune, I’ve seen the look in your eyes.”

“Wha-I-no,” Dan garbled out, backing up, his eyes going wide as his brain woke up and started to understand what was on offer. “I—I’m straight!”

“Not _that_ straight. If it’s reassuring to your self-identity, though, not many are. Go on, go ahead, you can touch.”

Dan halted in place, agape, slowly going red and stricken and overcome with lust. “I don’t,” he whispered, and cleared his throat. “I don’t— _You_ don’t—”

“You’re not my ideal or anything, no, but since you’ve decided not to be a weasel any longer, I can endure for Chloe’s sake. What, d’you think I’m taunting you or something? I’ve said _yes_ , already.”

Dan swallowed. He took a step closer, and then another, and then he put his hands on Lucifer’s hips.

“There you go,” Lucifer said encouragingly, and put a hand round the back of his neck and leaned in to kiss him. Dan shut his eyes, his face scrunched up in desperate anticipation—

“Lucifer!”

Lucifer sighed and straightened up. “Amenadiel, is this something you do on purpose, or does the bad timing just come naturally?”

“This is no time for you to be amusing yourself with trivialities,” Amenadiel said. “I’ve found a sign of Mother’s presence.”

“Naturally it is.” Dan’s eyes popped open as Lucifer straightened away from him. He stared up helplessly. Lucifer patted his arm. “Sorry, Dan. We’ll pick this up later, I promise. Perhaps I’ll see you at the station.”

#

“You have to talk to Lucifer,” Dan said.

Chloe stared at him. He’d come charging into the station and dragged her into an empty conference room and was still gripping her by the shoulders, wild-eyed. “About...?”

“You have to tell him you don’t want—a—a threesome!”

“A _what?_ With—with _who?_ With— _you?_ Me, and you, and—Lucifer?” Chloe started laughing, feeling slightly hysterical, except Dan actually shook her and was apparently _dead serious_. “Okay, Dan, first of all, not in a million years, and second of all—”

“Tell _him!_ ” Dan said.

“How did he even get the _idea_?”

“I don’t know!” Dan said. “I was just trying to _apologize_ to the guy! Next thing I know, he’s—he’s—”

“Suggesting _threesomes?_ ” Chloe said, except that sounded exactly like Lucifer, come to think of it. “Okay, you know what, the real question is why is this _my_ problem? What the hell, are you threatened or something?”

Dan opened and shut his mouth several times.

Chloe rolled her eyes. “Unlike at least half the assholes who’ve hit on me since I was fifteen years old, Lucifer’s never been an actual jerk about it. He thinks anyone who doesn’t want to sleep with him is _weird_ , not a potential rape victim. Say no and forget about it.”

Dan was still staring at her with a really strange expression. Then he blurted, “You—you’ve really never slept with him?”

“What?” She gawked at him, and then swelled up with outrage. “Are you _kidding_ me? First of all, _no_ , I really never have, and second of all, it’s none of your business—no, wait, you know what, _first_ of all it’s none of your business—”

“Chloe!” He broke in on her again. “Yes! You’re right! It’s not! So just tell him—that you’re not interested. That’s all I’m asking.”

“You want me to tell Lucifer I’m not interested in having sex with the two of you.”

“ _Yes_.”

“Right.” Chloe smiled a hard annoyed line. “Fine. Next time I see him.”

“Could you call him now?” Dan said.

#

Lucifer didn’t pick up his phone. He came down to the station later that afternoon, but Chloe was away from her desk, so she only found out he was there when she walked into the records room and found Dan literally getting into Lucifer’s pants behind a filing cabinet. “What the _hell!_ ” she squawked, and Dan jerked his hand out. Lucifer wasn’t even _holding on to him_ , he’d been leaning back against a desk, casually braced against the edge, _letting_ Dan—

“There you are!” Lucifer said, beaming at her, like everything was great and they’d just been waiting for her to show up. Dan was turned away, a hand bracketed across his forehead hiding most of his face, panting. His mouth was red. Chloe stared open-mouthed at both of them, and then she whirled and slammed out of the room.

She had absolutely no idea what she was feeling. Total shock was taking spot number one, but there were about twenty other things all mixed up together underneath, none of them really coming out clear. She didn’t really want any of them to come out clear, actually. She was _over_ Dan. She didn’t care that he was sorry, she was _done_ , ready to write him out of her life as completely as she could, aside from Trixie. And as for Lucifer—

The devil she wasn’t speaking of popped up next to her desk—shirt buttoned up and tucked back into his pants—with a puzzled expression. “Darling, is something wrong?”

“Oh,” Chloe said. “No. No, what could be wrong, I just found my ex-husband and my—my—” Lucifer was smiling at her _expectantly_ , like he thought something _nice_ was about to come out of her mouth, “my _biggest_ _pain in the ass_ ,” she hissed, because that was exactly what Lucifer _was_ , “making out in a _closet_ —actually, you know what, there’s _nothing_ wrong, this is great, this takes care of two of my problems at once—”

“Right, exactly, that’s what I told him!” Lucifer said. “He’s been moaning on about how you wouldn’t go for it.” Chloe ground her teeth as he perched himself on the edge of her desk and raised his eyebrows hopefully. “So, after work, my place?”

She stared at him, her breath coming hard with fury, and then she smiled with all her teeth. “You know, I’ve got a thing tonight. Why don’t the two of you get started without me, and I’ll catch up.”

#

Dan waylaid her in the break room ten minutes later. “Jesus, Chloe, what did you tell him!”

“What, this all works out perfectly. I’m so happy for the two of you.”

“Oh, for—” He put his hands on his hips and let his head sink. “Goddammit, Chloe, what do you _want_ from me? I can’t—” His voice cracked, like he was _helpless_ , and it made her want to punch him in the face.

“You can’t say _no?_ ” she said tightly. “To Lucifer, who you’ve hated since the first second he showed up, and incidentally thanks, Dan, for never mentioning you were bi—”

“I’m _not bi!”_ he yelled at her. “I’m not bi, and yeah, you’d hate it too if a—if a _sex god_ showed up and started making moves on your _ex_ , who you’re _not over_ —”

“Did you—did you just call Lucifer a _sex god?_ ” Chloe said, incredulously. “ _Lucifer?_ ” She almost laughed, it was so ridiculous. “So what, his _thing_ ,” she waved her hands around, making little sparkly bursts with her fingers, “ _works_ on you?”

Dan stared at her. “It _doesn’t_ work on _you?_ ”

She gaped at him. For a moment she still didn’t want to believe him, and then she _did_ believe him, suddenly, because—because actually that was the one thing she’d never doubted, with Dan. She’d never been afraid that he even _wanted_ to cheat on her. He’d always looked at her like she was the most amazing woman in the world, like no one could compare. And he’d never so much as looked at guys before, and maybe she’d just missed it or he’d hidden it, but if so he’d done a really good job. But if he really— “He’s— _making_ you want him.”

Dan grimaced like he was eating an entire bag of sour candy at once. “It’s…he’s…” He trailed off.

Chloe put her hands against her forehead. She’d seen Lucifer in action enough to grudgingly admit there was _something_ there for other people, but she’d mostly just been annoyed at all of them for validating his monstrous ego. But—now she thought about it, it wasn’t just party kids falling for his _thing_. She was pretty sure he’d nailed a dozen other cops, of both genders, and at least one judge and three prosecutors, two of them married. Dr. Martin was a top-tier shrink, and she’d _fucked a patient_. And now _Dan_ , of all people, and he was looking at her with a hangdog desperate look, ashamed, saying he literally couldn’t _stop_ himself—

“Okay,” she said. “I—I’ll talk to him.”

#

But when she got to Lux, Lucifer just stared at her blankly over the piano lid. “Sorry, what d’you want me to do about it?”

“I want you to _stop!_ ” Chloe said.

“I’m not _doing_ anything!”

“Look, Dan does not want to have sex with you—”

He rolled his eyes. “No, darling, he doesn’t want to _want_ to have sex with me, there’s a difference.” She frowned. “Sorry you’re a bizarre freak who doesn’t immediately get the appeal, but most people can _tell_.”

“Can tell _what?_ ”

“That it’s going to be the most exciting and transcendent sexual experience of their lives!” Lucifer said, in all apparent sincerity. “Who in their right mind turns that down if they can get it?”

“Wow,” Chloe said. She didn’t even know where to go with that. He was looking at her so _earnestly_. She opened her mouth to tell him he was an egotistical lunatic, but then she remembered Dan’s squinched up face, how he hadn’t been able to say Lucifer _was_ making him—

“I still don’t understand what the problem is,” Lucifer said. “You get him _and_ me, no need to choose, everyone’s happy. Yes, _fine_ , he’s having a bit of an identity crisis over it, but so what. He deserves some more suffering after all he’s put you through.”

She shut her eyes and took three deep breaths. “Lucifer,” she said levelly, “I am never going to sleep with you and Dan, okay?”

“What? But why _not?_ ” Lucifer said. “I only said yes to him in the first place for _you!_ ” He had the fucking nerve to sound _indignant_.

“Where did you get the idea that was something I _wanted?_ ”

Lucifer stared at her, baffled. He waved an arm around. “You came to my _house!_ Drunk, in tears, flinging yourself into my arms, all because he’d _rejected_ you! It’s been two years and you haven’t got your divorce finalized yet! You _make time_ for him—”

“He’s Trixie’s dad!” Chloe yelled at him.

“Fair enough!” Lucifer said. “I’m not even _complaining_ anymore, he’s straightened himself out, I’m willing to share—”

“I’m _not!_ ” Chloe said.

“Oh come on! You can’t seriously want just Dan when you could have us _both_.”

“I don’t want Dan at all!” Chloe said. “I’m _through_ with Dan! He—he _lied_ to me! He hung me out to dry, he made me the fucking outcast of the whole department—”

“Yes! He was a _complete douchebag!_ That never stopped you before!”

“I didn’t _know_ he was a complete douchebag!” she snapped.

“How could you not _know?_ ” Lucifer said. “It was practically oozing from his pores!” and Chloe stopped with her mouth open realizing to her massive annoyance that she couldn’t even yell at Lucifer for not saying so before, because in fact he _had_ been saying Dan was a douche since five seconds after they’d met.

“I—I don’t _believe_ you!” she said instead. “You’ve been trying to get me to stay away from him for months, and now you’re trying to get me back _together_ with him?”

“I don’t _want_ you to get back together with him, I just assumed you _would_ ,” Lucifer said. “He took responsibility! Apologized sincerely! Stepped up to take his punishment and everything, gates of Heaven open to him once again. How should I have guessed that _this_ was the moment you’d finally decide you’d had enough? Now what am I supposed to do with him?”

“Stay away from him!”

“He’s not going to stay away from _me!_ ” Lucifer said. “Not when I’ve already said yes.”

“Well, why don’t you _take it back_.”

Chloe wasn’t sure why she had to even spell that out, but Lucifer looked at her like she’d accused him of murder. Well. He’d never batted an eye at being _actually_ accused of murder, so he looked the way he _should_ have looked at being accused of murder.

“Take it _back?_ ” he said. “That’s like—going back on a _deal!_ I can’t do that.”

“So what,” she said sarcastically, “are you telling me you’re going to _sleep with Dan_?”

Lucifer’s face screwed up like _he_ was eating an entire bag of sour candy. “Apparently so.”

Chloe stared at him, open-mouthed.

“I blame you for this,” he added.

#

She spent the next hour trying to spell out for Lucifer in small words that Dan did not want to start sleeping with him and very much wanted him to stay away, so saying no to him was _just fine_ , which explanation Lucifer listened to with his arms folded across his chest, glaring at _her_ resentfully like she’d somehow _stuck_ him with Dan. She only succeeded in getting him to agree that he’d avoid Dan as long as Dan avoided him.

“Which’ll last until about this time tomorrow, at a stretch,” Lucifer said. “It’s like you haven’t spent the last six months following me around or anything.”

“Excuse me, the only one doing the following has been _you_ ,” Chloe said.

She went back to the station and told Dan firmly to stay away from Lucifer and Lucifer would stay away from him. “And you told him, right?” Dan said. “That it’s never going to happen—you and me and him.”

“Yes, I did,” Chloe said.

He blew out a breath and sagged back against the desk. “Okay,” he said. “Okay. Good. Then he won’t—then he’s not up for it anymore. Good.” He ran both his hands over his face while Chloe eyed him narrowly. “What?”

“Are you saying if he _were_ —” She stopped.

“But he’s _not_ , right?”

Chloe opened her mouth and hesitated, because—what was she supposed to say? “He’s not going to _come after you_.”

Dan was staring at her, stricken. “But he didn’t—”

“Okay, you know what,” Chloe said, “this is for you to work out on your own.”

“No!” Dan said. “ _Jesus_ , Chloe—!”

#

Dan reappeared less than three hours after Chloe left, which meant she’d probably _spelled out for him_ that the door was still open, so why she’d even bothered complaining in the first place, Lucifer hadn’t the faintest idea.

“You really couldn’t just have carried on being a complete dickbasket,” Lucifer said irritably, grinding out a cigarette as he stood up from the piano and led the way upstairs. “Loads of humans manage it _every day_ , but no, not you—”

Dan glared at him across the elevator, as sullen and furious as anyone almost frantic with lust could be. “I swear to God I’m going to fuck you quiet for once.”

“Promises, promises,” Lucifer said, highly skeptical, but when they came into the penthouse, Dan shoved him forward and pushed him over the arm of the couch with surprising initiative, yanked down his pants, and not two minutes later was putting it to him with enormous, savage thrusts. “Right, so there’s something under the hood after all!” Lucifer panted out, pleasantly taken aback—come to think of it, he’d never had sex with anyone _angry_ at him before, usually it was more in the line of desperate gratitude. This was _marvelous_. “Come on, _harder_ , just think about me fucking your wife while you watch on the side—”

“You’re goddamn _asking_ for it,” Dan said.

“Yes!” Lucifer said, and groaned with approval when he _got_ it, as he did, for more than half an hour, which was considerably better than any human male had ever managed before. Fifteen minutes in—a highly respectable stretch to begin with—Dan hit the edge for the first time, and he actually _stopped_ and just held still, panting, obviously trying to _hold out_. Lucifer couldn’t really imagine him pulling it off for very much longer, but it was worth a try. “Is that really all you’ve got?” he asked over his shoulder. “I was going to ask Chloe to compare, but not much need—”

Dan ground his teeth together and then _pulled out_ , in a herculean show of willpower, and dragged Lucifer over to the bed and threw him on it. “You’re going to _take it_ ,” Dan panted out, jerking off his shirt. “You’re going to take it from me so hard—”

Lucifer laughed aloud in delighted astonishment. And as a bonus, Dan even had remarkably nice pecs, which must have required significant effort on his part: why on earth he shrouded them in shapeless shirts at least a size too large was beyond explanation. “Go on, then, _make_ me,” he jeered, and Dan snarled and actually grabbed his handcuffs and locked Lucifer’s wrists around the headboard. “My, how daring of you,” Lucifer said, and then gasped as Dan shoved his legs apart and fucked back into him.

Dan _worked_ at it to the point of visible anguish, even pausing again, without prompting, _twice more_. “Come on,” he gritted out, as his thrusts grew increasingly stuttering. “Come _on_ , you’re going to make it on my dick—”

“Detective Espinoza, you’re revealing all these hidden depths,” Lucifer said, more than a little breathless himself. “Right, that’s it, make me give it up to you, a few more good solid ones should do it, if you’ve got them in you—can’t see that you do, go on and surprise me—”

Dan groaned and clenched his jaw and knelt up, tilting Lucifer’s hips higher, and used what had to be some really remarkable leg muscles to come slamming straight up into him, slow but absolutely _massive_ strokes. After the fifth one Lucifer did let go—good _Lord_ if anyone had ever earned it—but then Dan _kept on_ , and Lucifer started coming _involuntarily_ , his own body startling him with one burst of pleasure after another.

Dan went on fucking the climaxes out of him, watching with open-mouthed shocked hunger as Lucifer’s cock jerked all over again with every single violent thrust. “Look at _you_ ,” Lucifer gasped in sincere admiration as Dan heaved him over the edge _again_. He’d managed to get into this state of continuous orgasm occasionally before, but it had always required a lot of effort on his part and at _least_ six partners, and here of all people was _Dan Espinoza_ getting him there, all for the price of a few calculated taunts—well, and several months of pursuing his ex-wife, whose insistence on forgiving him his former boundless douchebaggery suddenly made _much_ more sense. “Don’t stop _now_ , look, you’re absolutely _taking me apart_ , you’re not going to quit _yet_. Come on, another dozen and you can come all over me—”

“Oh, God,” Dan said—whimpered, really, and somehow struggled all the way to _ten_ —Lucifer hadn’t really hoped for more than six—before pausing, his face screwed up with desperation—and then he reached down and wrapped his hand around Lucifer’s cock and pulled and oh, that was _fantastic_ , it was even _better_. Lucifer shuddered through another _five_ orgasms before he finally sank back, _completely_ satisfied.

“Right,” he said dreamily. He shook off the cuffs and crooked his finger, and Dan moaned and pulled out and immediately spurted off all over his chest, then collapsed on top of him quite limp.

Lucifer patted his sweat-slick back. “Well _done_.”

“Muh,” Dan said. Three seconds later he was breathing in a slow, even rhythm, already deeply asleep. Lucifer took in and grandly released an enormous deep breath of contentment and then actually let himself drowse for half an hour before he slid out from under and went to rinse off the glorious mess of it all.

#

So this was—great. Really great. Compulsively having the best sex of his life with the guy who pissed him off more than any human being he’d ever met. Who was also the guy who wanted to bang his ex-wife— _and_ who had saved his daughter’s life, so basically Dan got to feel every single emotion there was about Lucifer at the _exact same time_. Not to mention that even if Chloe hadn’t banged Lucifer yet—Dan wasn’t sure how she’d resisted aside from clearly having more self-respect than he did—he had the extremely bad feeling that she was pretty much right there with him otherwise.

When she’d come to the holding cell to tell him what had happened— Christ, he’d wanted so bad to pound on the glass between them, desperate to put his arms around her. She’d been crying, telling him how Malcolm had gotten his hands on Trixie, about having to hand herself over to the sick bastard. And then— “Lucifer just came out of nowhere,” she’d said. “He just—walked right out at him, no gun, nothing—I was sure he was dead,” her voice cracking, and goddammit, she was starting to be in _love_ with the guy.

Of course, Lucifer sleeping with _him_ had to be a serious turn-off, which was maybe a bright side to all this, but on the other hand, Lucifer was already the weirdest freak in existence and held an orgy at his apartment every other weekend, so if that hadn’t stopped her falling for him, this probably wouldn’t either for too much longer, and then he’d be out a wife _and_ a deeply disturbing and unwanted boyfriend. Mostly unwanted. Sort of.

Oh Christ.

Dan hadn’t ever questioned his sexuality before, but that was the least of it. He could’ve imagined having sex with a guy a lot sooner than having sex with someone who spent the entire time mocking his performance just to drive him into a _complete frenzy_ , and frankly he could’ve imagined _that_ a lot easier than _himself_ , fervently telling the guy he was banging that he was going to make him come on his dick. Where had that even _come_ from?

Not to mention the next morning when he’d woken up, been fed eggs and bacon, and then Lucifer had grinned at him in a seriously terrifying way and said, “Now, _my_ turn,” and spent half an hour slowly and leisurely impaling Dan on his dick before he even got around to fucking him into oblivion, and Dan hadn’t just _let_ him, he’d _begged_ him.

Dan was deeply sorry for whatever he’d done in his life that had landed him in this mess, and also reasonably sure that despite all the shit he’d pulled in the last couple of years, he _still_ didn’t deserve this. Jesus, he knew axe murderers who didn’t deserve this.

“I don’t understand this obsession you humans have with _overthinking_ ,” Lucifer said. “What could you possibly be upset about at this moment,” which was almost a fair question since he was sprawled out like a porn starfish over the entire bed and Dan was all the way up in him, moving slick and sweet because he’d already come once inside him and then he’d—he’d slapped Lucifer’s ass and said, “I’m not done with you. Go ahead, work me hard again,” and Lucifer had said in a marveling tone, “That’s _brilliant_ ,” and he’d _done_ it. Which had taken him about two minutes, and now Dan was back to fighting the endless desperate fight not to come.

Which talking to him significantly helped with. “You—you do get that Chloe is going to kill both of us,” Dan said.

“Over _what_ , exactly,” Lucifer said, like he didn’t have Dan’s cock halfway to his pancreas.

“What do you _think!_ ”

“She can’t get angry over this!” Lucifer said. “She’s still refusing me, and she said she doesn’t want any part of you anymore at all,” and Dan flinched, hot misery surging into his throat, because that wasn’t trash-talking; that was the straight up honest truth. And the worst of it was Chloe had every right to feel that way, and Jesus, he’d lost everything in his life that meant something. It had hurt when Chloe had walked out on him the first time, but not like this; not when she’d done it because she knew everything he’d done and everything he was and she couldn’t stand to look at him anymore.

Lucifer sighed noisily. “Oh, come on, don’t get _morose_. She’ll come around eventually.”

“Yeah, you _think_?” Dan said, this close to crying and pissed-off at the same time, because the only one of them Chloe was ever going to _come around_ to wasn’t _him_.

“Yes, of course. Speaking of _eventually_ , are you planning on just loitering back there for the ages, or were you ever going to get around to doing something,” and what came out of Dan’s mouth was, “I’m going to keep it in you as long as I feel like it, and when I’m ready I’m going to come in you again, and maybe after that I’ll give it to you, if you suck me hard again.”

Lucifer said almost dreamily, “Oh, _Daniel_ ,” like Dan had just given him a present, and he actually settled in with a little wriggle and relaxed under him and _took_ it, exactly like Dan had said, just lay there with Dan’s cock all the way in him, squirming just enough to make it noticable that Dan had him nailed to the bed, oh fuck, and then after that Dan got to watch in a delirious haze while his cock, wet and red and painfully sensitive, slid agonizingly in and out of Lucifer’s mouth, and then Lucifer spread himself for it, smiling heavy-lidded as Dan heaved one of his legs up over his shoulder and started to fuck him all over again.

“I can’t _believe_ you,” Lucifer said happily, making little gasping noises each time Dan slammed into him. “I’ve never had a human angry in bed with me before,” which wasn’t hard to believe, because Dan was having trouble not sobbing all over Lucifer in pure gratitude for the white-out shock of bliss every time he landed another stroke. “Come on, fuck me like Chloe’s waiting for my cock and if you make me come hard enough I won’t be able to get it up for her,” and okay, sure, there went the furious rage again, thanks, and Dan fucked _himself_ blind and Lucifer into another marathon endless orgasm, whatever the hell was even up with those, and then Dan fell over and couldn’t even imagine moving again. Ever. In his life.

“You know, you might have a point after all,” Lucifer said thoughtfully, lying next to him, lighting a cigarette one-handed and blowing out a long twirling stream of smoke towards the ceiling. He was breathing only a little bit hard even though he’d just taken it as hard as it came. “It just doesn’t seem _fair_ , leaving Chloe out of this. I mean, granted, she keeps saying _no_ , but maybe she shouldn’t be held _responsible_ for that.”

He got up and went puttering off into the kitchen—because aside from being a big damn hero and a whole army of demons in the sack, he also made breakfast—and lunch, and dinner, and goddamn cocktails, and yeah, it _was_ unfair to leave Chloe out of this, seeing how she was the one who actually _deserved_ it and had probably been about thirty seconds away from _getting_ it before Dan had— Well, he still didn’t know what he’d actually done to end up in this situation _,_ but he’d somehow wound up with cash and prizes at Chloe’s expense— _again,_ Jesus, and he put his hands over his face, knowing clear as day he had to fix this.

#

“Look, just—he’s crazy about you, okay?” Dan said.

“What is _wrong_ with you?” Chloe felt like a pot somebody was watching really closely, at the very edge of boiling over. She had barely talked to Dan in the last week: he stayed in the car half the time when he was dropping Trixie off and avoided looking her in the face when he couldn’t, which this morning had given her the wonderful opportunity to see the _bite marks_ Lucifer had left on him.

And now here he was showing up at the house, in her one hour of peace in the evening after Trixie was asleep, here to sell her on Lucifer like the two of them were taking turns playing Cyrano or something. “You know, I realize this seems to be a minority opinion, but not all of us desperately want to sleep with a delusional sex-crazed maniac—”

“Yeah, fine, he’s _fucked up!_ ” Dan practically yelled at her, like _he_ was the one with any right to be pissed off. “No goddamn kidding, Chloe. Have _you_ seen his back?” She stiffened. “Yeah. It doesn’t take all that much detective work to figure out that somebody—probably that dad he keeps talking about—did a seriously fucked up number on him. The kind of abusive shit that can turn a kid into a monster. But somehow, even messed up and carrying ten times more baggage than most people, he’s still managing to be one of the _good guys,_ and don’t tell me you don’t care about him!”

“And because you’re so sure I’m into him, you decided you’d fuck him _yourself_ , huh?” Chloe said. Her eyes were stinging for no fucking reason, like she was going to start crying over _Lucifer,_ who could share his transcendent sexual experiences with Dan and half of L.A. and take it on the road to Vegas for all she cared, he could kiss anyone he wanted and it didn’t bother her at all, because he wasn’t a good guy, he was just a sleazy jerk who—who—had literally risked his life for her and Trixie and—who had _supported_ her and _believed_ her while Dan, _Dan the douche,_ had fucked with her head for more than a year to cover his own ass and had now started _literally_ fucking the guy she—and she realized in horror that she _was_ going to start crying, so instead she punched him.

Dan staggered back against the door, hand over his jaw, gasping and bent over. He shut his eyes, and then he said, raw, “I’m sorry.”

“ _Fuck_ you,” Chloe said, choking it off against her hand, looking away. The tears were still gathering in her eyes, so punching Dan hadn’t really helped, but maybe she just needed to do it harder.

“I know I messed up,” Dan said. “I know I hurt you again. I swear I didn’t mean to, Chloe. It’s pretty fucking hard to think around him, and honestly, I—I didn’t want to. But I’m ending it with him. Tonight. I’m going over there now.”

She stared at him. He still wasn’t looking at her. “And you’ve got a right to know, if you went to him and told him you were in, but it was you or me, that’s not—that wouldn’t be a _choice_ for him, okay? He doesn’t actually _want_ me, he’s just got it in his head that he—made me a deal. It’s just another part of his fucking delusion. So maybe I’m the one who’s making _him_ , or something, and—you shouldn’t blame him.”

He turned and fumbled the door open and went out, leaving her standing there shaky and alone. She took a deep shuddering breath and blinked hard, blinked away the tears. She felt weird and hollow-stomached, and still simmering just as hot as before: she still wanted to punch Dan again, and also punch _Lucifer_ , and yell at both of them, and then she wanted—she wanted—she wanted her life to just _make sense_ again, but for now she decided she’d settle for the punching.

But she couldn’t just go after Dan: she had to call a sitter, and wait twenty minutes for her to make it through the evening traffic, and then she had to drive to Lux still boiling. The club wasn’t open: the rope line was unattended and the lights at the door were off, but the door wasn’t locked, so she charged in and nearly tripped over— _Maze_ , sprawled across the stairs limp and bloodied and half-conscious, and Chloe stared down at her in shock and then pulled her gun and turned the corner into a _nightmare_ , something her eyes and brain couldn’t actually make any sense out of.

Lucifer’s brother Amenadiel was lying in the wreckage of the bar, which had crumbled around him like he’d been thrown into it hard enough to shatter it all. His head was lolling back, but he was moving weakly, stirring, trying to get up, but there were—there was some kind of horrible twisting shadowy _stuff_ holding him down, looped over his wrists and throat. And Lucifer was—

Lucifer was standing in the middle of the club, grappling with a strange shadowy _thing_ that didn’t _belong_ , that didn’t and couldn’t and shouldn’t really have existed, something made out of the same stuff holding Amenadiel down. Lucifer’s jaw was clenched and his eyes blazing and— _light_ was shining out from under his skin, like someone had turned a dimmer switch on him up to maximum. But the shadow thing was pressing him back, forcing him down onto one knee, getting ready to roll over him.

Chloe blindly jerked out her gun and fired at it, desperately, pumping bullets into it one after another. It didn’t even twitch, but Lucifer’s eyes darted to her, for just an instant, and suddenly a long trailer pulled out of the shadow and started snaking out towards her. “ _No!”_ he snarled, his voice half strangled out. “Chloe, _run!_ ” and he suddenly let go with one hand and reached _into_ the thing, grabbing hold of more of it, although his face twisted with agony.

It whipped right back onto him, rolling up his whole arm. He was backing away deeper into the club—dragging it _away_ from her, Chloe realized in horror, even as he was being _swallowed up_ —“Lucifer!” she screamed, looking around desperately for something, anything she could _use_ —she grabbed a bottle of vodka off the counter and lit it from one of the stupid candles and threw it against the thing, but even though blue flames burst out all over its back, somehow that only made it worse, because the surface didn’t make sense either, dipping in and out and twisting like an Escher painting.

“Chloe,” Amenadiel whispered hoarsely, and she looked over at him. “The blade. The demon blade. It will weaken her. But—it might kill you to strike her.”

She stared at him, and then looked towards where he was struggling to point with one bloodied finger, at a knife lying on the floor, a curved horrible knife like a claw, and she lunged for it and grabbed it and tried to creep up behind the thing. It had spotted her, it was shifting away from her, but as long as it was still trying to force itself over Lucifer, she could get a shot—

“ _No!_ ” Lucifer cried out again, and literally jerked the shadow forward _onto_ himself, pulling it _away_ from her—

“ _Stop it!_ ” Chloe screamed at him. “It’s _killing_ you!”

He looked at her with his face clenched like a fist. “ _Get out!_ ” he roared at her, in a voice that knocked her back three steps, reeling, and as she staggered back up, Dan got up from behind a fallen table with another one of the curved blades, his face twisting with horror, and he sank it with both hands into the thing’s side.

It—made a sound that wasn’t actually a sound and heaved all over. Lucifer gave a wordless howl and shoved back against it, going brighter and brighter, incandescent, light that made her eyes water until she had to cover them, and then it got brighter than _that_ and even with her eyelids shut and her arms wrapped over them it was too much. Broad hands were on her shoulders, pulling her around, and her face was buried against something solid and warm and _something_ was wrapping around her, sheltering.

She could still feel the light on her back—not like the sun, not as heat but just as _light_ —and then suddenly it was over. The light vanished. She pulled out of Amenadiel’s arms and turned round, shaking, to find the shadow gone, Lucifer gone, and—and Dan, lying sprawled and unmoving on the floor, his hand smoking around the hilt of the blade.

#

By the evening rounds, the doctors had stopped telling Chloe that Dan would wake up any minute, coming and going with puzzled expressions. She kept sitting numbly and alone by the bed. His right arm was wrapped up in gauze so thickly it looked like a mummy’s. He kept shifting restlessly, bunching the sheets, murmuring, but whenever he opened his eyes he wasn’t seeing her, or the hospital room, and the look on his face would go so full of horror that she’d told her mom not to bring Trixie to see him.

The steady annoying beep of the pulse monitor ate away the minutes. Lucifer pulled another plastic chair up next to hers and handed her a cup of the bad hospital coffee. Chloe took it automatically and gulped two hot swallows of it before she jerked her head over to stare at him. He was stretching out his legs with a long sigh, putting his feet up slowly one after another on the foot of Dan’s bed and letting his head lean back. He looked—horrible, actually, pale and exhausted with dark circles under his eyes, like—like he’d _been to Hell and back_ , and she wanted to throw her arms around him, and she wanted to scream and run away.

“Are you—” she whispered. “What—happened?”

“Hm?” He lifted his head and blinked at her a few times. “Oh. Well, I got Mum back into her cell, mission accomplished, and…well. Dad didn’t say I couldn’t, so back I came.”

Chloe squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. “ _What?_ ”

“What what?” He looked at her puzzledly.

 “That—thing was your _mother_ ,” Chloe said.

“Well, she held us inside her,” Lucifer said. “For the infinitesimally brief and yet infinite stretch of time between the moment Dad created me and Michael and the moment we banged things off for him. She’s the primordial chaos,” he added, possibly because she was staring at him in a way that someone might have thought was asking for more of an explanation even though actually she wasn’t, she was hoping for the explanation to _stop_ and _go away_. “The stuff that’s not the universe. This isn’t really sinking in, is it?”

“No,” Chloe said flatly.

“Right,” Lucifer said. “Don’t worry about it. Really, nothing’s changed.”

“ _Nothing’s_ _changed_?”

 “Well it hasn’t, has it? You’re still here, I’m still here, the universe is still here.” The way he said that last one sounded horribly like there had been _another possibility_. “It’s not like I haven’t been _telling_ you I was the devil all along.”

“I didn’t _believe_ you!”

“That’s not _my_ fault, now is it?” Lucifer said.

“Your dad is _God_ ,” Chloe said.

“Mm-hm.”

“There _is_ a _God_. There is an _afterlife_. There is—there is a _Hell_ —”

“Look, don’t get carried away, here,” Lucifer said.

“ _Don’t get carried away?_ ”

He sat up and put his hands on her shoulders. “Darling. D’you really think that an immortal and infinite being who created the stars and shaped the galaxies is actually remotely comprehensible to a human mind? That those stories in the Bible are all literally true, even though if you take them together they make less sense than a basket of rabid lemurs?”

Chloe stared up at him. “No?”

“No! Of course not!” Lucifer beamed at her, as though that was supposed to make her feel _better_. “You haven’t learned anything that matters. If you had, your brain would dribble out your ears. You’re not _built_ for that sort of thing. You wouldn’t believe how upset people get if I just _look_ at them.”

“At the moment, actually, I kinda _would_ ,” she said. “Lucifer—”

“Yes?” he said, still smiling at her like—like _an alien being beyond human comprehension,_ which was _what he actually was_ , and she stared at him helplessly until he started to frown a bit, and then he said tentatively, “Darling, are you all right?”

“No,” Chloe said, feeling herself starting to crumple, and instead of screaming or crying what she did was reach out and take his face in her hands and kiss him, and thank God—in more than one way—because he felt real and solid and warm.

Then he murmured, “Darling,” a bit surprised and low and _happy,_ and reached out and lifted her into his lap and kissed her back and breathless. She was vaguely aware of him standing up, carrying her around the curtain to the empty bed on the other side—she’d put her arms around his neck without actually meaning to, and there was a hard tight ache between her thighs, and she was already _wet._ Roughly about the point where he slid his gleaming-eyed smirk over the curve of her belly and landed his head between her thighs, it occurred to her maybe he hadn’t just been bragging about all that transcendental sex either, except wait, wait, she was in a _hospital room_ , and Dan was _unconscious_ —

She said feebly, “Lucifer— _Lucifer_. You and—you and _Dan,_ ” trying to convince herself she had her hands buried in his hair meaning to hold him off and not press his mouth _oh god there_ , oh _GOD_ there, her hips trying to surge up to meet his tongue, dipping wickedly into her, running along her whole length, and she partly stopped talking because she couldn’t make her vocal cords work anymore, and partly because she had no idea what to say.

“Yes, yes,” Lucifer murmured against her, tenderly, and flicked over her one more devastating time with his tongue before he slid up her body, kissing her objections out of her mouth, and then he rubbed against her and she couldn’t help herself, she hooked her legs around his thighs and pulled him into her hard—he gasped and broke into a long pleased smirk down at her, and then he started _moving_ , and suddenly everything did make perfect sense, yes, obviously yes, here, now, anytime, _oh_ yes, and then she came three times in a row.

“But _now_ what?” she said helplessly afterwards, lying on her back staring at the institutional ceiling tiles with the sheet clutched up, hoping in a distant way that no one came in, not that she was prepared to do anything about it like get up or lock the door or put on some clothes.

He was nuzzling at her throat, his mouth moving over her jaw and her ear. “What do you mean?”

“You _know_ what I mean! Dan!” She had the horrible feeling Dan had ended up with _feelings_ about Lucifer, and specifically not homicidal ones, and what did that mean for—for any of them.

“Well, I must say, you might’ve explained at some earlier point that he has ludicrous sexual gifts, it would’ve explained a great deal,” Lucifer said, while she gasped and frowned at him, trying to understand; he had slipped his fingers gently between her legs again, getting them wet, teasing her with little strokes. “Come on, you can’t really mean to stay angry at him forever, think of the orgasms!”

Chloe _had_ actually planned to stay angry forever, except— Dan had been about to _get out of their way,_ and now he was lying there maybe never going to wake up, like he’d succeeded, and Chloe couldn’t help knowing that she didn’t _want_ him out of the way. She’d just felt so _stupid_ after finding out, that had been the worst of it—stupid for ever loving him, for ever trusting him. But maybe it didn’t have to be stupid after all.

Of course, instead it could just be _insane._ “And—and we’re all just going to pile into bed together and you think that’s going to _work,_ no jealousy or anything.” She shuddered wildly all over as Lucifer stroked her clit again.

“Oh, no, I’m expecting _rampant_ jealousy!” Lucifer said gloatingly. “It turns out to be highly motivating. And just imagine the makeup sex!”

She fell back against the pillow gasping. After she got her breath back, she said, “I don’t actually _want_ that much drama in my life?”

“Don’t be so _boring_. Besides, what are we going to do, put him out the door like an abandoned kitten or something? Have him gazing mournfully at us in the station all day, sad and starving for affection? Honestly, I don’t think you’ve got it in you.”

Chloe sighed. “Neither do I.”

Lucifer nudged her. “Well, then, all the more reason to _get_ it in you,” with a leering smirk.

She glared at him. “Okay, first of all, he’s still in a _coma._ ” She sat up and put her head in her hands. “Oh god, he’s in a _coma_ , and I’m over here—” She wasn’t ever going to be able to yell at him for fucking Lucifer ever again, she realized.

“Yes, all right, let’s get that squared away. I’m more than ready to get the two of you home where you belong,” Lucifer said. He rolled off the bed and stood up and gave her back her shirt. They got dressed—Chloe hurried, because now that the sex had stopped at least temporarily she really did _not_ want to get caught naked in a hospital room by the nursing staff—and then Lucifer went over to Dan’s bed. She thought for a moment he was about to kiss him, Sleeping Beauty-style, but instead he leaned over to Dan’s ear and said, “ _Wake up,_ ” in a voice that shuddered all the way along her spine.

All the equipment around the bed burst into jittering sparks. Dan shot sitting straight up and gasped, “ _Holy Sweet Jesus!_ ”

Lucifer scowled. “Hardly.”

Dan stared at him wild-eyed and panting. Chloe went and put her arms around him. Dan clung to her, burying his face against her shoulder. “I just imagined all of that, right?” he said muffled and fervent. “It was all just a—a dream, please tell me it was,” and Chloe said, “You know, let’s just not think about it anymore.”

“Okay,” Dan said faintly.

Lucifer beamed at them both. “Wonderful! Now, I’m going to go have a word with the nursing staff and get you signed out of here. No reason you can’t recuperate back at the penthouse.” He smirked meaningfully before swinging out of the room.

Dan stared after him. “Did—did he just say _at the penthouse?_ ”

“I—I think he might have some idea about us—moving in,” Chloe said. “Or something.”

“ _Us?_ ” Dan turned and slowly looked her up and down. She hadn’t buttoned her shirt back up right, and her pants were crumpled, and also she was kind of— _sticky_ — Her face started to get red.

Dan looked like he wished he could be indignant but then he just blew out a breath, half laughing, and raised his eyebrows at her: _so he got to you, too, huh,_ and she could read the words right off his face without him even saying them out loud, the way she’d been able to since about the third date, the one where she’d closed the door after coming home with a helpless smile on her face, thinking _maybe he’s the one_ , and she couldn’t help looking at him helplessly again now, at his stupid blue eyes and his stupid quirked mouth, and his face changed, going serious.

He swallowed and put his hands out and cupped her face, and he said, “Chloe. Chloe, I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.”

“You _should_ be,” Chloe said, her voice shaking, and thumped his shoulder, and then she let him kiss her, let him wipe the tears from her cheeks.

“What, getting started without me?” Lucifer said, appearing in the doorway. “We’re all clear, up you get.”

“Uh, you know, I’m not a hundred percent sure I’m ready for action just yet,” Dan said, wincing as he swung his legs over the side.

“That’s all right,” Lucifer said cheerfully, putting a supporting arm around him. “You can watch the first few times, that’ll put you in the proper spirit.”

Dan glared at him, but not actually like he was surprised, and Chloe narrowed her eyes. “Have the two of you been having some kind of weird— _competitive_ thing? Over _me?_ ”

“Uhh,” Dan said, guiltily.

“Yes!” Lucifer said, totally without shame. “It’s _fantastic_. He might as well be a wind-up jet engine.” But he put his other arm around her waist, and kissed her, and Chloe couldn’t even really work up the appropriate whatever, because that was probably going to be the least of it all.

# End

 

**Author's Note:**

> With many thanks to Rivka for betaing this piece of madness haha. 
> 
> All feedback loved! If you like, [reblog](http://astolat.tumblr.com/post/145659174933/redemption-merry-go-round-8764-words-by-astolat)!


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